OFFICE POLICY EFFECTIVE APR. 1, 2008<br /><br />Dress Code:<br /><br />You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.<br /><br />If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and<br />therefore do not need a raise.<br /><br />If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore<br />you do not need a raise.<br /><br />If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.<br /><br />Sick Days:<br />We will no longer accept a doctor&#39;s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are<br />able to come to work.<br /><br />Personal Days:<br />Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays &amp; Sundays.<br /><br />Bereavement Leave:<br />This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every<br />effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee<br />involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work<br />through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.<br /><br />Bathroom Breaks:<br />Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At<br />the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the &quot;Chronic Offenders&quot; category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company&#39;s mental health policy.<br /><br />Lunch Break:<br /> - Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.<br /> - Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.<br />- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that&#39;s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.<br /><br />Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all<br />questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.<br /><br /><br />The Management