Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, <br />looking like he&#39;d just been run over by a train. <br />His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,<br />his face is cut and bruised and he&#39;s walking with a limp.<br />&quot;What happened to you?&quot; asks Sean, the bartender.<br />&quot; Jamie O&#39;Conner and me had a fight,&quot; says Paddy.<br />&quot;That little shit, O&#39;Conner,&quot; says Sean,<br />&quot;He couldn&#39;t do that to you,<br />he must have had something in his hand.&quot;<br />&quot;That he did,&quot; says Paddy, &quot;a shovel is what he had,<br />and a terrible lickin&#39; he gave me with it.&quot;<br />&quot;Well,&quot; says Sean, &quot;you should have defended yourself,<br />didn&#39;t you have something in your hand?&quot;<br />&quot;That I did,&quot; said Paddy. &quot;Mrs. O&#39;Conner&#39;s breast,<br />and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.&quot;<br /><br /><br />*************************************************************<br /><br />An Irishman who had a little too much to drink<br />is driving home from the city one night and, <br />of course, his car&#39;s weaving violently all over the road.<br />A cop pulls him over.<br />&quot;So,&quot; says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?&quot;<br />&quot;Why, I&#39;ve been to the pub of course,&quot; slurs the drunk.<br />&quot;W ell,&quot; says the cop, &quot;it looks like you&#39;ve had<br />quite a few to drink this evening.&quot;<br />&quot;I did all right,&quot; the drunk says with a smile.<br />&quot;Did you know,&quot; says the cop, standing straight<br />and folding his arms across his chest, <br />&quot;that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?&quot; <br />&quot; Oh, thank heavens,&quot; sighs the drunk.<br />&quot;For a minute there, I thought I&#39;d gone deaf.&quot;<br /><br /><br />************************************************************<br /><br />Brenda O&#39;Malley is home making dinner, as usual,<br />when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. <br />&quot;Brenda, may I come in?&quot; he asks. &quot;I&#39;ve somethin&#39; to tell ya&quot;. <br />&quot;Of course you can come in, you&#39;re always welcome, Tim.<br />But where&#39;s my husband?&quot; <br />&quot;That&#39;s what I&#39;m here to be telling ya, Brenda.<br />There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...&quot;<br />&quot;Oh, God no&#33;&quot; cries Brenda. &quot;Please don&#39;t tell me.&quot; <br />&quot; I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead. I&#39;m sorry.<br />Finally, she looked up at Tim.<br />&quot; H ow did it happen, Tim?&quot; <br />&quot;It was terrible, Brenda.<br />He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.&quot;<br />&quot;Oh dear Jesus&#33; But you must tell me truth, <br />Did he at least go quickly?&quot;<br />&quot;Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.&quot;<br /><br />*************************************************************<br /><br />Mary Clancy goes up to Father O&#39;Grady<br />after his Sunday morning service, and she&#39;s in tears. <br />He says, &quot;So what&#39;s bothering you, Mary my dear?&quot;<br />She says, &quot;Oh, Father, I&#39;ve got terrible news.<br />My husband passed away last night.&quot;<br />The priest says, &quot;Oh, Mary, that&#39;s terrible.<br />Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?&quot;<br />She says, &quot;That he did, Fathe r.&quot; <br /><br /><br />The priest says, &quot;What did he ask, Mary? &quot;<br />She says, &quot;He said, &#39;Please Mary, put down that damn gun...&#39; &quot;