If you can read this whole story without laughing then there&#39;s no hope<br />for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this<br />slowly.<br /><br />If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the  third<br />judge is even better. For those of you who  have lived in Texas, you<br />know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the<br />time  Halloween comes around. It takes up a  major portion of a parking<br />lot at  the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili<br />Taster  named Frank, who was visiting  from Springfield, IL.<br /><br />Frank: &quot;Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili<br />cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I<br />happened to be standing there  at the judge&#39;s table asking for<br />directions  ; to the Coors Light  truck, when the call came in. I was<br />assured by the  other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn&#39;t<br />be all that spicy  and,  besides, they told me I could have free beer<br />during the tasting,  so  I accepted.&quot;<br /><br /><br />Here are the scorecard notes from  the  event:<br />*****************************************************<br />CHILI  # 1 - MIKE&#39;S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...<br />Judge # 1 - A little too heavy  on the tomato. Amusing kick.<br />Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.<br />Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy shit, what the hell is this  stuff? You could<br />remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the<br />flames out. I hope that&#39;s the worst one.  These Texans are  crazy.<br />*****************************************************<br /><br />CHILI  # 2 - AUSTIN&#39;S AFTERBURNER CHILI...<br />Judge # 1 - Smoky,  with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.<br />Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ  flavor, needs more peppers to be taken<br />seriously.<br />Judge # 3 -  Keep this out of the reach of children.   I&#39;m not  sure<br />what  I&#39;m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off  two people<br />who  wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to  rush in more<br />beer  when they saw the look on my face.<br />*****************************************************<br /><br />CHILI  # 3 - FRED&#39;S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...<br />Judge # 1  - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.<br />Judge # 2 - A bit salty,  good use of peppers.<br />Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I&#39;ve located a  uranium spill. My nose feels<br />like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now.<br />Get me more beer before I  ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now<br />my  backbone is in the  front part of my chest. I&#39;m getting shit-faced<br />from all of the  beer.<br />*****************************************************<br /><br />CHILI  # 4 - BUBBA&#39;S BLACK MAGIC...<br />Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.<br />Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish  or<br />other mild foods  not much of a chili.<br />Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my  tongue, but was unable<br />to  taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer<br />maid,  was standing behind me with  fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is<br />starting  to look HOT. just  like this nuclear waste I&#39;m eating&#33;  Is<br />chili an aphrodisiac?<br />*****************************************************<br /><br />CHILI  # 5 LISA&#39;S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...<br />Judge # 1 - Meaty,  strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,<br />adding considerable kick. Very impressive.<br />Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef,  could use more tomato. Must<br />admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.<br />Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead  and I<br />can no longer focus my eyes. I  farted and four people behind me needed<br />paramedics. The  contestant seemed offended when I told her that her<br />chili  had  given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding<br />by pouring  beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I&#39;m<br />burning my lips  off. It really pisses me off that the other judges<br />asked me to stop screaming.  Screw those rednecks.<br />*****************************************************<br /><br />CHILI  # 6 - VERA&#39;S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...<br />Judge # 1 - Thin  yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of<br />spices with a nod  peppers.<br />Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,  onions, and<br />garlic. Superb.<br />Judge # 3 - My intestines  are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,<br />sulfuric flames. I  shit on myself when I farted and I&#39;m worried it will<br />eat through  the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except<br />that  Sally. Can&#39;t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with  a<br />snow cone.<br />*************************************************** **<br /><br />CHILI  # 7 - SUSAN&#39;S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...<br />Judge # 1 - A  mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned  peppers.<br />Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of<br />chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I  am<br />worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is<br />cursing uncontrollably.<br />Judge # 3 - You  could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I<br />wouldn&#39;t  feel a thing. I&#39;ve lost sight in one eye, and the  world<br />sounds like it made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili,<br />which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava to<br />match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they&#39;ll know what killed<br />me.  I decided to stop breathiing because it&#39;s too painful.  Screw it,<br />I&#39;m not getting any oxygen anway.  If I need air, I&#39;ll just suck it<br />through the four inch hole in my stomach.<br /><br />.<br />*****************************************************<br /><br />CHILI  # 8 - BIG TOM&#39;S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...<br />Judge # 1 - The  perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too<br />bold. but spicy  enough to declare its existence.<br />Judge # 2 - This final entry is a  good, balanced chili. Neither mild<br />nor hot. Sorry to see that most  of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,<br />passed out, fell over and  pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.<br />Not  sure if he&#39;s  going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he&#39;d have<br />reacted  to  really hot chili?<br />Judge # 3 - No  Report